What happens when you no longer have cancer? The normal term is you “beat” cancer, but I can’t say that. There was no fight. My surgeon kicked its ass with her scalpel and the story ends there. I am so grateful for the outcome and the quick and straight line my cancer walked. I can’t help but be so aware that my story is not common. My celebrations are quickly met with reminders of others whose fights seem to be never ending. Their highs and lows are a reminder that my story isn’t the norm, and there is definitely a level of guilt. Why was my treatment one simple step while others experience years of struggle?
Feelings are confusing. I’m forever telling people to “feel their feelings” and that their feelings are all valid, but at times I haven’t even been able to identify what I’m feeling. There is definitely relief. I am so thankful everyday for the simplicity and quickness of my diagnosis. When I get stuck in these moments, it feels great. I’m happy and relieved and full of grace and thanks.
There are other times when I can’t help but wonder why was mine so easy? Why did I get to just fly right through this? The worst part of being told I had cancer was being told I had cancer. Actually, the worst part about having cancer was the waiting. But it was just over a month from being told I had cancer to being told I didn’t. My story isn’t normal. Every other person I know who is fighting cancer or has had to fight cancer has had such a long road of ups and downs. Treatment plans that include medications that somehow make you better and sicker at the same time.
I feel so blessed to be able to move past this phase of my life, but I feel sad every time I see a reminder of that others are struggling so much harder with their stories. I’m not sad for myself, and I’m not sad about being cancer free. I feel sad that they’re not through this fight yet. I wish there was something I could do to help them. I wish something I would say would bring them peace. Having been there before, I know that it is nice to hear that people are praying for you because those prayers are more than appreciated. However, it doesn’t bring the change you need in the time that you need it.
Moving forward is far less about cancer and far more about the little things I can do to bring more joy into the world around me. I can’t solve all the problems of the world but I can be kind. I can show people love and be supportive. I can show people grace (which if I’m being honest is sometimes very hard for me). I’d like to invite you to do this with me. A little love goes a long way.
Jo is a Mess 