One More Time

When I was told the cancer wasn’t really gone, it put a lot of doubt in my mind. I was so worried about things being too easy. I spent so much time waiting on the other shoe to drop that when it did, I was upset but felt like I was expecting it. So when the other shoe drops, does that mean there are no more shoes? When you’re given good news the second time, are you allowed to believe it?

I’m going to attempt to be an optimist here (I’m definitely more of a realist), but I’m going to say that I’m allowed to believe it this time. I had my two week post-op appointment today, and everything came back clear. All my margins are clear, and I can officially (again) say that I’m am CANCER FREE!

What a freaking rollercoaster. I feel like I’m at the part of the rollercoaster ride’s end where you jerk to a sudden stop and just kind of sit there for a split second thinking to yourself “What just happened?” My brain is kind of stuck in that split second moment. What just happened? What have these last few months even been? There have been so many highs and lows that I am feeling very emotionally confused.

My goal for the next few days is to allow the rollercoaster to roll forward and to get the F off it. It was definitely one of these rides where you get off knowing you learned some things about yourself, but you’re pretty sure you never want to ride it again. I know I never want to ride it again.

The weirdest thing is that I can’t really make plans for myself on preventing this from happening again. Moving forward, I will do my very best to remember my monthly self checks to be sure there are no new spots. In terms of prevention, that’s the best I can do. I’m also going to work to continue to carry the perspective I’ve gained through all of this with me.

It is time for me to set some new goals, to start looking more into my future and what I want that to look like. But for right now, in this moment, I’m going to eat my celebratory Oreos (they’re vegan friendly) and enjoy this moment.