Take a minute to think about your favorite movies growing up. If you’re like me those memories are filled with some of the most classic Disney films. Watching these movies as a child I was aware that a lot of the main characters only had one parent but I never imagined that it was possible for one of my own parents to pass away or not be part of my life. As a parent, watching these movies with my children is anxiety inducing. Thinking about all of the films that represent families with deceased parents makes me feel like the possibility of my own children growing up with only one parent is not only feasible but probable.
Movies with dead parents (or one parent with no explanation): The Little Mermaid, Toy Story, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Snow White, Onward, The Lion King (I mean we literally watch a dad die in this movie), Bambi, Princess and the Frog and Frozen. This is a list I came up with quickly off the top of my head, feel free to reach out and let me know of others you can think of.
The week I was diagnosed with cancer, Holden, my four year old became obsessed with the movie Onward. Do you know how hard it is to watch a movie where the whole concept is about a two teenage boys trying to get to spend one more day with their dad who died when they were too young to have any memories of him? For the week following my diagnosis I watched over and over this sad story line where the youngest realizes he always had a father figure, his older brother. So as a mom, newly diagnosed with cancer, obviously this made be cry each time we watched it, completely ruining the experience and making it awkward for everyone involved.
Watching this movie on a loop for a week got me thinking, why are there so many dead parents in children’s movies? Is it incredibly common for children to grow up with only one parent? With some reflection, I realized I know enough people in my own life who lost parents at young ages to completely warrant this form of representation. The point always comes back to the concept of no days are guaranteed. We get this one beautiful life to live and it is our responsibility to make the most of it.
What does it really look like to make the most of your life? I feel like prior to my cancer diagnosis that has always been a career driven question for me. I feel like everything, all the planning was always about doing what was “right” or what I thought was expected. Every choice I’ve ever made as been safe. I love security, but I really don’t want my children to live life feeling like the need to make safe choices, or choices they think will please others. How do I encourage fearlessness when I’ve played things safe.
I feel like my choice to undo all big changes in my life so quickly to go back to something familiar proves that safety and security is something important to me. I want to be the person who provides them with safety but also the person who helps them feel like they can spread their wings.
When I first got my diagnosis I had people say over and over, “but no day is certain” or “you could die tomorrow.” These statements are obviously true, but terribly unhelpful and not the support and optimism I was looking for. I just kept thinking, “duh, I’m aware” but it doesn’t make the disease growing in my body any less terrifying. As my family and I move through this whole process those statements ring in my ears as a driving force to do more. No day is given, so what is it about today that I need to make special?
When I think about my dreams and my goals it’s absolutely less about what steps are next for me and more about living a life that brings my family closer together and setting my children up for their best, most adventurous lives. I have a lot of work to continue doing on myself. I have so much growing that needs to happen to help ensure my family lives their best lives. I feel like I’m more prepared than ever to put in the work.
Jo is a Mess 