Stop and Go

Thinking back to my first blog post, it seems like an eternity has passed. In reality, this whole thing has only taken up about a month of my life. It feels like so much of my life has been centered around the word “cancer”, but it’s only been this small hiccup in my 30 years.

Looking back over the last month, I was so frustrated. Primarily, I was frustrated that I had to wait so long to get answers. I had these words absolutely shatter my mental health but no guidance in terms of what was next.

My nurse practitioner has been an amazing advocate for me, but she was on the same slow-moving roller coaster in terms of there being no quick answers. She referred me to a surgeon who initially wasn’t going to schedule an appointment with me until the end of July. Thankfully, my nurse practitioner was able to call and get the appointment moved up to the following business day after the holiday weekend. It didn’t matter though, because we didn’t have our pathology report back until after the date of the original appointment.

I also want to add that she and her husband called a former classmate of her husband and got me into the Simon Cancer Center faster than I could have imagined. Being from a small town has it’s difficulties, but the way we pull together when someone is in need is amazing. I will forever be indebted to them and their diligence during all of this.

The time dragged on forever. It seemed like a year went by in that month of waiting. Once the pathology report came, everything happened so quickly. Within days, I had an appointment with an oncologist, which was immediately followed by a surgery. After those two things happened, it all seemed to stop again. After the surgery, it was back to waiting for updates (outside of my nurse practitioner checking in and giving any small news she had).

I’m not sure what my expectations were going into this. Obviously, based on my frustration, I was expecting forms of instant gratification. That speaks true to my character in general though. I’ve always been someone who wants something and expects to have it within minutes. Everyone should feel bad for my husband.

What has happened throughout this time is I’ve had this painful realization that I’ve only been doing this for a month. A MONTH!

I know people and families who have been doing this same stop-and-go game for years. If a month feels like years to me, I’m sure they feel like they’ve lived an eternity in limbo.

I’m always trying to think of ways to reach out or help. The reality is kind words are nice and people checking in is appreciated, but unless I somehow magically become the doctor they need, they still just have to wait.

Cancer, much like life, doesn’t really care what your plans are. Life throws us obstacles, and cancer doesn’t give a shit about your timelines.

“Cancer, much like life, doesn’t really care what your plans are. Life throws us obstacles, and cancer doesn’t give a shit about your timelines.”

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I was diagnosed with cancer on July 2, 2020. After one CT scan and one surgery, my doctor told me I’m cancer free on August 13, 2020!

It’s surreal. My emotions today are everywhere, and my brain can’t focus. One month and eleven days of cancer. It felt like so much more. I am so thankful to be done with the fear of cancer. I don’t know what comes next, but I do know that my work isn’t done. My work on myself and my work to advocate for others, none of that is done.

I hope you will all stick with me as I put in that work. I hope you stay for the ride of figuring out what is next. But, for today, I’m going to enjoy my good news. I’m going to hug my babies a little tighter, and I’m going to enjoy having peace of mind.