Syke

After I was given the specifics of my cancer I felt like I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s all seemed so simple. I spent weeks in a panic thinking about the future and then was told so calmly that it would be simple from here. It didn’t seem possible with a word like cancer to come with such straight forward answers, yet there we were.

After my surgery I had the weirdest doctors appointment I’ve ever had. It was happy but strange. My doctor said in no uncertain terms, “you’re done with me.” I was given the green light to go out and live a full, cancer free life. I had moments after this when I felt like a fraud. Does it even count as having cancer when the process only took you a couple hours to complete? This word means so many different things to so many different people, but none of it is easy.

Getting to a place where it seemed like I was putting the cancer behind me was hard and I never got all the way there. Different things kept me up at night, one being, what if it isn’t really gone? Slowly I was putting that fear behind and truly moving on with normal 2020 fears, like “what if I get COVDI-19” and “God, please don’t let my kids daycare close”.

Being back at work definitely helped distract me from my cancer diagnosis or any fears of it returning. Being busy has always been my favorite avoidance tactic. If I’m busy helping other people work through their feelings and difficult life events, it means I don’t have to face my own. I’ll probably say this multiple times throughout my blog posts, but do as I say, not as I do.

I was finally feeling comfortable. I was busy, and it felt like I was in a new phase, then the phone rang. Being a true millennial, I chose not to answer the phone when a number I didn’t know was calling, which in this case was probably a good thing. The voice mail went something like this, “Hi Jordan, this is Dr. X (obviously a name change), I just wanted to call and let you know that we got a second pathology report in. Um, the second report shows that there is still some unhealthy tissue. We’re going to need to schedule a second surgery, please give my office a call back, I’d like to see you again in the next two days.”

And there it was, the other shoe. For approximately one minute it felt like I had been told I had cancer for the first time all over again, and then I remembered I’d already been down that road and I didn’t have the energy to go down it again. After that minute, I called my doctor’s office to schedule the new appointment. Then I was pissed. I didn’t even know who to be mad at but I was mad at everyone.

My husband, the saint that he is, brought me back to reality. All of this sucks. It sucks to think you’re out of the scariest chapter of your life thus far and then be told there are actually additional pages. But, the reality is that we were expecting this. My oncologist prepared us for multiple surgeries. It was a happy surprise to hear we were done after one. I wish it would have been the truth but really, we’re back on the track we were expecting all along.

So where do we go from here? Well I can tell you that even after we got this news, we chose not to back out of the purchase of our next home. So first step is moving into our new house. Second, have another surgery. This surgery will look exactly like the first one only more will be taken out.

Perspective is important. It’s still just another surgery. The cancer is the same. There is no reason for anyone to believe there are changes in speed of growth and the cancer hasn’t mutated. Moving past the anger allowed me to be grateful. I’m so glad more eyes saw my pathology report. I’m so thankful that my surgeon was diligent in asking for more information. I know I don’t have all negative margins yet, but I’m very confident I will soon.

There are so many silent struggles happening in the world. So remember, to go out and do good things.