Having it all is a Fallacy

Being a woman is complex. The idea that we must be a million things that all contradict each other is exhausting. “Be thin but curvy.” “Be assertive but don’t be bossy.” “Be friendly but not too friendly because you’ll come off as a flirt.” “Be powerful but not intimidating.” You can’t possibly check every box.

The most exhausting conflict women have with society is to be a mother but not sacrificing your career. Those before us fought extremely hard so we could be the college educated career women we are today. But outside of those doors being opened, none of the other views of motherhood changed with it. Work full time but be the PTO mom. Work shift work but never miss a game. Then there is the other side of the coin where women choose to stay home with their kids and get shaded by society for not contributing financially to their families or, God forbid, not being appreciative of the fact they can work outside of the home. I mean, we live in a world where the pioneers of women empowerment are leaving this world. I have a genuine fear that if I don’t show appreciation for the paths they have created, those paths might just disappear.

The truth is having it all fucking sucks. We work too hard sometimes. We have the responsibilities, worries and needs of our families sitting on our shoulders at all times. There is never a time when we can take them off. When we’re working, we wear that hat but never truly get to take off the mom hat. When we’re home, it’s impossible to make the mom hat our only hat. The dread of deadlines and to-do-lists run through our heads. Why is it like this?

One reason we feel the need to do everything for everyone all the time is because we feel the need to prove we can. We see badass women getting shit done everyday, and yet we still need to prove how badass we are. Women also can’t drop the ball, ever, and we can’t pass too often either. Not because our spouses expect it or because our families would fall apart but because other women will straight up eat us alive if we make a mistake.

The internet has been amazing for moms in so many ways, but it seems for every positive comment of “you’ve got this mama”, there are a dozen more telling you how terrible you are for letting your kids eat chicken nuggets regularly.

The issue lies with our expectations of others. We are so incredibly hard on each other as moms. No one is a perfect mom, but we seem to forget that truth as we’re examining the flaws of others. We can make progress by showing grace to others. Be the kind of person we tell our children to be.

The second part of this (for some, not me of course, I married a saint) is that we are living in a world where we should provide for our families but also keep the “housewife” roles. There is this idea that being a good mom and a good wife means the majority of the work at home needs to be your responsibility. I’m calling bullshit on that. If you’re a married woman or a woman in a committed relationship, all the things at home are the responsibilities of both parties.

Working in an elementary school, we talk a lot about setting expectations for your children and they will rise to them. This is true for all people. If you’re someone that feels like you’re doing all the housework, create higher expectations. If they fail to meet them, quit doing their shit for them. I bet your partner remembers how to work the washing machine when they don’t have any clean underwear.

Maybe this is easier for me to say because I genuinely have a partner who does his part. We share tasks, and there are no such things as gender roles in our house. I attribute a lot of this to the way he was raised. I have standards that no one can meet, including myself, which makes things exhausting at times.

When I call Josh out for something he didn’t do, my family always jumps on me about how great he is and how I should be thankful that he does what he does. They’re right. I’m glad he’s my partner, but I don’t believe he should be the exception. You also don’t have to demand things. Have conversations about what you need. Let them know it’s too much. When we do everything, that becomes the expectation. People just believe you’ll get it done, because you always do. However, you don’t have to do it alone, because you aren’t in a single player game here.

None of it is going to be perfect. There are going to be arguments and times when both partners feel like they’re doing most of the work, but the important thing to remember is we’re all a part of a team. Know who your people are. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to communicate when you’re drowning. The only person who expects you to do it all is you.

We will never meet our own expectations of the “perfect mother”, but we can help impact others. Be a part of the community of parents who lift each other up.

And remember, do good things.